Let yourself be uncomfortable

Let yourself be uncomfortable

Let yourself be uncomfortable

In case you hadn’t noticed, life isn’t just rainbows, roses and kittens, and even if you practice yoga all day long you will not be eternally happy. Yoga is unfortunately not a magic pill that will remove all undesired experiences and feelings, but what it can do is teach us how to deal with the inevitable discomforts and pains of life in a better way.

Most of us really don’t like being uncomfortable. We may spend a fair amount of energy avoiding situations that make us feel that way. Sometimes that really is the best choice. There are situations that we are better off staying away from, but oftentimes it is precisely the situations that we fear that help us grow and develop as human beings. We may have to put ourselves in these situations in order to get to someplace we want to be, or learn something we need to learn.

Consider for example the many people who suffer from some degree of social anxiety. They find it frightening to speak to people they don’t know, or worse yet, having to speak in front of a group of people they don’t know. At the same time they may crave being seen and heard by other people, or they may need to connect with others in order to create desired opportunities for themselves. Avoiding situations involving new people may feel better in the moment, but will fail to provide what is wanted in the longer term. Most likely the idea of speaking with new people will become even more frightening.
When we avoid facing our fears our worlds tend to shrink.

When we do find ourselves in uncomfortable situations that we haven’t been able to avoid, it is very common to try to resist the sensations we don’t like by physically tensing up. This reaction is more harmful than helpful. Not only will it not help against the discomfort but may actually intensify it, not to mention the new tension that is created in the body.
Another popular method is to think very intensely about how we don’t like the situation, which will also only have the effect of making us feel worse. Sometimes we may try to ignore the discomfort and pretend it is not happening, which will have the effect of prolonging it. It will lodge itself somewhere in our mind/body until it gets the attention it seeks.

Suffering is in the mind, meaning it is not the pain or discomfort that cause us to suffer, but how we think about it and react to it. Yoga teaches us to be present with all sensations that arise without judging them or creating a storyline in our minds about them. When we open to uncomfortable sensations rather than closing down, we have a chance to move through them. The breath is, as always, a very helpful tool. If we can consciously relax the body and mind around the discomfort, while calmly breathing into it, it loses a lot of it’s power over us. It becomes easier to deal with. Pain will become less painful.

Now we have to be discerning in using this technique. There are situations that are harmful and that we simply need to get out of. Whether it is pain in your knee in yoga, or an abusive relationship, sometimes we need to change the situation altogether. There may also be situations that are so painful for us physically or emotionally that we need professional help dealing with them.
For most situations in our daily life, however, opening up to discomfort instead of closing down, can be transformative. We will free up a lot of physical and mental energy that was previously tied up in fruitless resistance, and enjoy the sense of possibility that comes with widening our horizons.

“Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.”

“Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.”

Pop quiz: Who wrote this quote? Answer at the end of the post.

Welcome to my new Website! A big thank you to my dear friend Maja Berwald who designed it for me as a wedding gift!

Although I have been intending for this website to materialize for several years, it seems to have required a huge shift in my life circumstances to actually make it happen. This summer, after living more than 20 years in New York City, I moved with my husband and two daughters to Mainz, Germany. I will always miss my friends on the other side of the Atlantic and a lot of what New York has to offer, but at the same time this was a welcome change for me, something I have been looking forward to for a while. I’m ready for this new adventure that forces me to grow and learn.

There is a lot of sparkly, invigorating energy inherent in this sort of change. For me it has turned into an opportunity to change not only my outer circumstances, but also some of my ingrained habits that have been holding me back. First and foremost – procrastination. I landed here in Germany full of enthusiasm and a sense of impatience. Longing to dig in and get my new life going in the direction I want it to go. There was no way of cruising on old accomplishments. I had to get out there and make new connections, find teaching work and start building a network.

I do believe that this sense of urgency and openness has made the process of settling in my new hometown surprisingly easy and pleasurable. New beginnings are full of possibilities. When you show up in a place where no one has any ideas about who you are, you have the opportunity to reinvent yourself. Or perhaps rather to be more of yourself. No one is expecting a certain behavior from you. You are free. For me this has released a burst of energy and a productivity that I hardly knew I was capable of. I decided to be someone who gets things done, who is proactive. It is quite inspiring seeing what effects a minor change in habits can have.

My new organized and productive self has gotten a lot of ideas and inspiration from the free online course “Learning how to learn” with Dr Barbara Oakley and Dr Terrence Sejnowski. It is full of useful ideas, interesting articles and interviews. A lot of it you may have already heard, but for me the clear and comprehensive way in which the material was presented prompted me to implement some changes to my daily routine.
My new habit is to plan out the night before, specifically, in bite size chunks, what I need to get done and then simply do it. Starting with the hardest thing first. Knowing that to combat procrastination you only need to put in a little bit of effort at the start of the task. So simple but so powerful.

I realize however, I could have done this years ago. Anyone can do it. It is not necessary to wait for big life changes in order to create wished-for changes in yourself. We always have the possibility to take a fresh start. We can always begin anew. There is always some step, however small, that we can take in the direction we want to go. The bigger challenge is perhaps to keep taking those steps while at the same time being able to enjoy the process. Not to get too caught up in wanting to have it all already accomplished. Not to give in when we don’t get the results we want as fast as we want. As long as we live we are never going to be done. Our lives are a work in progress. Can we find a way of relaxing with that while persistently taking the next step?

Writing this post reminded me of a quote I’ve heard attributed to one of the great writers of my new home country, Johann Wilhelm von Goethe. What a perfect way to end this post! However, some internet research revealed that this quote, although often attributed to Goethe is in fact written by the Scottish mountaineer W.H. Murray in his 1951 book “the Scottish Himalayan Expedition, with the last, most famous line of the quote possibly being a very loose paraphrase, by W.H. Murray of something Goethe wrote. Oh well, this messed up my neat ending but at least I learned something new! So here they are, the famous words of the Scottish mountaineer that you have probably never heard of:

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.”

Yes, you can change your mind!

Yes, you can change your mind!

Yes, you can change your mind!

We are all creatures of habit. We tend to do the same things over and over again, to think the same thoughts over and over again. The more we do things a certain way the more likely we are to keep doing them that same way. The more we repeat a certain thought pattern the easier it becomes to think that same way again. Most of our habits are extremely useful. You can wake up in the morning, get dressed, brush your teeth, eat your breakfast, walk out the door without having to think about how you get it all done. Habits save time. Unfortunately not all habits that we have are productive and helpful. We all have ways of moving, thinking or acting that influence ourselves or others negatively. For example we may be slouching or hunching the shoulders, fail to listen to others or lash out in anger, have a negative, limiting self-image or hold prejudices against others.
The practice of yoga is a lot about cultivating awareness of these habits so that we can consciously change them. Physically, we become more aware of how we move our bodies and where we hold tension so that we can stretch, strengthen and balance our bodies better. We learn how to move more freely with poise, strength and grace. This part of yoga is relatively easy to practice. You show up on your mat, practice regularly and change will follow. For most people this path is clear and understandable.
Our habitual thought patterns are generally less obvious than our physical holding patterns but they are enormously influential in shaping our experience of ourselves and the world around us.
When we think a certain way that neural pathway is strengthened. The more we repeat that thought the stronger that neural pathway becomes until the thought pattern is so familiar and easy that it feels like a part of us. Therefore we tend to believe what we think very strongly. We identify with our thoughts and often consider them the essence of who we are. This strong attachment to how we think makes it much harder to change our thought patterns versus changing our physical bodies.
First we must be able to separate fact from interpretation. To accomplish this, it is helpful to learn how to cultivate a pause between our thoughts and immediately believing in them. To put a little distance between ourselves and our thoughts. To view them as objectively as possible as if they were words spoken by someone other than ourselves. Then we can begin to question and analyze them. Are our thoughts based on facts? If so, is there is another interpretation or another way of looking at things that may be more beneficial and constructive? We can then actively try on a new perspective. This may feel awkward and even false at first. Our habitual thought patterns will always feel more true simply because they are more familiar. But if we keep reinforcing the new way of thinking it will start to feel more natural. And assuming we base our new way of thinking on facts, it will not be less true than our previous counter-productive thought pattern.
The first step in creating any sort of change is awareness. Slow down, pause and reflect on your own thoughts, words and behavior. Cultivate that pause which gives you a moment to choose a response rather than react habitually. Try on a new perspective or consider a different interpretation. Although effort is required to build new neural pathways, this effort is only required in the beginning. With some perseverance and determination you can open up your mind to new possibilities. You do not need to believe the voice in your head telling you that you can’t change. The power to change your mind lies within your own mind.
Feelings vs thoughts

Feelings vs thoughts

Feelings vs thoughts

Life is multifaceted and we experience it with a range of human emotion. There are plenty of valid reasons in this world to get upset as well as delighted, both on a global and personal level.
Most of us, however, would prefer only to experience positive, uplifting feelings. Some people may work so hard at being happy that they try to ignore “negative” emotion. But stifling anger, sadness and frustration, in an attempt to be happier, will not have the desired effect.
If you have been to a few of my yoga classes you have probably heard me say that we always have a choice about how we react to anything. There is always a different perspective. I like saying that. I like reminding myself that we have the flexibility and freedom to shape our experience of the world. But that doesn’t mean ignoring what makes us angry or sad, or pretending that we don’t have those feelings. We need to meet the world with open eyes, to see as clearly as possible the facts before us and allow ourselves to feel the emotional responses. When we try to suppress unwanted emotions they don’t go away, but may rather intensify or get redirected into physical pain or destructive behavior.
Most of what we think is not really based on facts but rather on interpretations influenced by our habitual thought patterns. How we feel is mainly a result of how we think. Often we may get stuck feeling sad or angry because our minds are repeating a certain belief that make us feel that way. It is important to make a distinction between the physical experience of an emotion and the thoughts that are prompting the emotional response. Emotions are essentially chemical reactions. From the moment the emotion is triggered it takes about 90 seconds until it has physically moved through our bodies. If we can pause, feel and observe that process without reacting or feeding the emotion with our thoughts, then we have an opportunity to question the thought process that caused the emotion in the first place. Is it valid? Is there a more constructive response to be found or another perspective to be considered? If we keep feeling the same way it is because we are triggering the chemical reaction again and again through the way we think about the initial event.
Sometimes that is absolutely warranted. Some events take much longer than 90 seconds to work through. You may have experienced something traumatic. Maybe you have been deceived by someone you trust. Maybe you have lost a loved one. Working through an experience like that obviously takes time. That sadness or anger may never fully go away. But if you allow yourself to feel it, there will at some point be space for other emotions and experiences as well. By questioning your own thoughts and beliefs around the event you may also be able to keep yourself from getting stuck in a destructive thought-loop.
Quite often though, we are stuck feeling down due to mundane and unnecessary reasons. Many of us carry around negative and limiting beliefs about ourselves or others that we keep repeating over and over, constantly triggering new waves of anger or sadness or whatever the emotion may be. Some of these beliefs may very well be factual, but many are not. Even when they are based on true shortcomings they are rarely depicting the full picture nor are they allowing for change and growth. This is where we can work with our thoughts. This is where we can apply a healthy dose of skepticism towards our own self-proclaimed truths. This is where we can choose to be constructive and have the flexibility of mind to consider different perspectives.
Working with our thoughts will affect how we feel, but attempting to manipulate our feelings directly is counterproductive. We will get annoyed, resentful, anxious and gloomy as well as excited, thankful, giddy and blissful. We are human and we live in a world that encompasses horror as well as love. But if we take the proverbial deep breath and allow the physical experience of the emotion to move through us, we do have a choice about how to proceed. We don’t need to be controlled by our emotions or limiting beliefs. We can meet the challenges of our lives constructively with clear eyes and open hearts.